I've not been on here for such a long time but for old times sake I thought I'd let my TP buddies know that my Nats died on the 18th of May.

He had finally moved to his new home and appeared to settle quite well but his swallowing became much worse. He had been on food puree for quite some time and his drinks were needing to be thicker and thicker. He had a couple of chest infections, that were probably due to him swallowing into his lungs. He also had 2 hypos on 2 separate occasions, which I was very unhappy about, due to lack of proper diabetes care in my opinion.

Despite this he seemed content and sometimes quite happy, often laughing at who knows what! We celebrated his 62nd birthday in April, we (me and the family) took afternoon tea to the home and he looked like he enjoyed us all being together.

On the 11th May the home rang and said we should all go to the home as Nats was very poorly. We went with him to hospital where he picked up. In fact the paramedic joked with me that if I had that affect on his patients maybe I could spend the rest of the day with him. I sent the kids home telling them that their dad had us there under false pretences.

Nats was taken for a chest x-ray and whilst we were waiting for a porter to take him back to A&E he started fitting on the trolley. It was really bad and I didn't know what to do, I was panicking and calling for help. The porter arrived and quickly pushed him up the corridor with me running behind.

He was taken into resus and given an injection to stop the fitting. He had another four major fits and several minor ones. We were in there five hrs before he eventually stopped and was taken to a ward.

We were told they expected him to recover but it wasn't going to be an over night job and he would probably be in for at least a week. Two days later (Monday) the Dr was talking about the Liverpool Care Plan (the pathway). This was a massive shock to us and we were very upset. However, by Tuesday Nats' blood test showed an improvement in his infection and they decided to try tube feeding him. This was unsuccessful as he couldn't swallow the tube but they were to try again the next day.

So I arrived on Wednesday full of hope only to be taken into a dump of a room (a story for another time) to be told again they were considering the LCP. By Thursday another doctor tells us there is nothing more they can do for Nats and with immediate effect all his tubes,drips and oxygen are removed.

I was able to stay with him and we were given a side room. The nurses were very kind to him and all of us. Our three children, their partners, our grandchildren, his siblings, family and friends were all allowed to visit as and when. We couldn't have asked for more.

He lasted two days and passed quite peacefully at 6.20pm on the Saturday evening, a week after entering hospital.

We gave him a wonderful funeral, one he would have really loved. I got to travel in the hearse with him, which I really loved, it was our last journey together. All our three kids spoke beautifully at the service, as did his brother and friend. We managed to get a copy of him singing one of his favourite songs from an old family video put onto cd, so he even got to sing at his own funeral. Very moving.

Now just over six weeks later I am steeped in the reality of his loss. And it is massive. I miss him so much.

All those years of Alzheimer's taking over your life and suddenly gone. A huge gaping hole. An enormous void.

My God I thought I'd done my grieving over the loss of my husband over several years. But not like this. This is so final.

Much love to all and as you battle on with your struggles my thoughts are with you. I well know the enormity of this cruel illness and the difficulties it brings and I never dreamt that one day I'd give anything to have that struggle for just one more time.

Bastan xxx